Layovers are where I do my head in. The airport is a place of opportunity, sure, but it can also on rare occasions become a place of dread- a not so pleasant time when you’re forced to admit to yourself that you sort of fucked it and ran out of money. This is an inevitable end to every trip if like me, you haven’t figured out a means of generating income without geographical limits. So I’m heading back, I can’t really call it home because pieces of my home are scattered everywhere, but to somewhere familiar. The one place in the world I’m capable of saving some money in exchange for a fairly bland existence. 

Here I am, twelve hours into my fourteen hour layover, sitting in the Manila airport going over and over the things I’m afraid of. The same things I think about every time I head back to Canada. Since I’m trying to be one hundred percent transparent on this blog I think they’re necessary to mention. People always ask “How do you do it?” “How do you travel so much?” Well, it isn’t without consequence.

The Friend Factor

Those memes that show your level of friends as you age drastically drop are accurate. When you’re away for extended periods of time, all the time, multiply that dip by 10. I no longer have many concrete friendships in my hometown. When I say ‘many’ I genuinely mean I have about two old friends left in Peterborough who give half of a crap about what I’m doing or the fact that I’m back. It’s depressing, I’ll admit it, but I can’t really blame the situation on anyone but myself. I’ve put so much of my effort into exploring, so much of that effort into building a happy life for myself abroad that something had to give, and it was my social life. People can only stay in contact for so long, and as the years progress, babies are born, boyfriends become husbands, people move, get new jobs, cliques, what have you, they just drift… as natural as the process is this doesn’t mean it doesn’t sting. It totally kills me my first week back when I have to sit and think about who to message (if anyone) to get together.

So Where Am I Living?

I’m about to go from having absolute independence. I lived on the other side of the world, alone, it doesn’t get much more liberating than that. To moving back in with my grandparents. With Toronto rent prices being as high as they are, I have no choice, not right now. Don’t get me wrong, you have to appreciate your loved ones for caring enough about you to put a roof over your head, and my Nan makes a pretty mean chili, but it’s another thing that just… it sort of tears at your confidence even if it shouldn’t. I get a high out of feeling like I have control of my life and these situations seriously bum me out. Never in a million years did I imagine I’d be nearly 26 years old and living with my grandma, but here’s where it’s important to adjust your expectations, because I also never expected to live in Thailand.

Another Job Hunt

The thing with long-term travel is it’s pretty much impossible to go back to your old job unless you were a superstar. It’s likely they’ve replaced you, because ultimately they can’t tailor their business around your itchy feet. So, the job hunt… takes time. It’s frustrating as f to be starting all over again. No seniority, no benefits and a whole new staff to slowly introduce your weirdness to. I am starting at ground zero for the millionth time. I actually did the math the other night and I’ve had over 20 jobs. Been the ‘new girl’ over 20 times… You can imagine how exhausting that is. Ideally if you want to manage this lifestyle you find yourself a gig online, but that’s going to take some time, a certain skill and a heck of a lot of motivation (I’m working on it).

The Blahs

I’m extremely passionate about living my life not just existing in it. I don’t want to be blah. I want Johnny Knoxville level chaos. That’s what this whole blog is about, a desire to do more, do it bigger, to keep things interesting. I have this intense urge to always be moving, trying new things, seeing new places. I’ve basically decided (although nothing is ever set in stone) to go an unconventional route and not have kids. The way I figured I’d fill that void is with travel. But I wonder what does that look like in later years and how sustainable is it? When things start to lose their appeal I get very antsy, I would even go as far as to say anxious, but life isn’t a straight line, you can’t be high energy all the time. Eventually it’s necessary to sit with meh and feel content with it.

My problem is running when things start to feel mundane, when the days bleed into one another, you know the feeling. But this life isn’t going to be feasible if you can’t appreciate the boring, low energy parts of it as much as the peaks. I don’t have a real answer as to how to go about this one, everything I type sounds like a bit of a lie. The thing is I always have a difficult time trying to reintegrate to normal life because I never go into it with an honest mindset. Going from a Thai island, or tent in the Rockies, to a small Ontario city is an obvious leap, not just physically, but mentally. The thing is,  it’s important to not simply ‘make it through’ this period back (which is how I’ve always looked at it), but to use the time as an opportunity for growth, just as you would anywhere else. Appreciate this period and everything it has to offer. Don’t look to the future, be focused on this instant however boring it might seem, it’s real. No longer will I come back counting down the minutes till my next flight. Instead, I’ll use this time as a chance to get to know myself more intimately, on top of saving some serious dough. Coming home to ‘the real world’ doesn’t have to destroy you if you don’t want it to. Be proactive, there! That’s it, there’s my advice.